By Sam Agnitsch
It’s that special time of year boys and girls, St. Nick is just around the corner and has brought goodies for all the Thunder players. Who was naughty or nice this year? What should they expect under the tree? Will Kyle Singler get lucky under the mistletoe? All your answers are just a hacky article away! Merry Christmas!
Kevin Durant- You get nothing Kevin. Stop being a dick.
Billy Donovan-Steve Kerr’s weed stash
Billy Donovan is a basketball junkie in every sense of the word, including the fact he’d probably need rehab if he wanted to quit. This guy’s been working his ass off since Providence and severely overdue for some R&R. Steve Kerr’s a pretty mellow guy, so Santa’s giving little Billy his weed stash this year , assuming Mitch McGary hasn’t smoked it all. You earned it coach!
Kyle Singler-A Plane ticket, “The Real MVP: The Wanda Durant Story” VHS
I’ll never be able to quit you Kyle Singler, but maybe it is time to move on. People forget that Singler’s pre-OKC years were very impressive, especially from long range where he hovered around 39% and averaged close to 10 points a game. Whether it’s Bible Belt Voodoo or hearing Boomer Sooner a million god damn times, he just hasn’t been the same here. If Kyle does stick around his next gift might be the solution. They say in therapy that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can improve. Well ladies and gents, this Lifetime movie is 1 hour and 25 minutes of rock bottom-inducing awfulness. Seriously, Michael Bay’s colon produces better films. It’s a drastic and cruel strategy but it just might work. One day at a time Kyle.
Steven Adams-Rogaine Body for Men
It’s no secret Big Kiwi is a big fan of Tom Selleck, even emulating (and exceeding) his hero’s mustache. Unfortunately he has the chest hair of a pre-menstrual Steph Curry, which is unacceptable when paying tribute to the Thomas Magnum. A few bottles of Rogaine Body and even Selleck won’t be able to tell the two apart.
Andre Roberson-Ear plugs, Christmas whores
The casual fan is the arch-enemy of the team player. If it isn’t something that registers on a stat sheet, chances are it will go unappreciated or even worse, despised. Andre has taken more abuse than Precious over his jump shot this season and what better way to block out the nonsense than new ear plugs? Andre’s not done yet because tucked away deep in his stocking lies what’s missing most from his game, confidence, or in the more literal sense, whores. The only thing more painful than watching Andre brick 3’s or free throws, is his reaction to bricking 3’s or free throws. He beats himself to a pulp over it and you can see it all over his face. Let a couple of these fine North Pole ladies work their Christmas Magic and watch his self esteem (and percentages) soar.
Nick Collison-Steven Adams’ Funniest Home Videos on Blu-Ray
They are close friends and nothing is funnier than seeing a close friend get kicked in the balls. Now he can rehash all the Kiwi-busting memories as host Bob Saget counts down the best of Adams’ groin hits. Santa rules.
Enes Kanter-National recognition, Dinner with Russell Westbrook
Between his speedy double-doubles, legendary twitter escapades and owning a mustache that would make Ron Jeremy blush, how is Enes not a national cult icon at this point? Sure, locally he’s become an adopted son, a ‘stache bro and owner of October 29th forever, but he deserves more. Awards attention or his own talk show… anything. Because Enes was extra good this year he’s also getting dinner with basketball terminator Russell Westbrook. As much as we love Russ there’s no bigger fan boy than Enes. It’s god damn adorable watching him cheer Russ like a 5-year old from the sidelines, a scene that would kill the entire Grinch population from enlarged hearts.
Sam Presti-Oscar Nomination
Really enjoyed his performance as Dr. Strange, well deserved nod.
Cameron Payne- “My Left Foot” on DVD
The crafty 2nd year PG gets the powerful Daniel Day-Lewis biopic about Christy Brown, a severely paralyzed author who through will power and determination learned to do everything with his only working body part, his left foot. Look here’s the deal, we need Cam Payne back desperately and ten minutes of this movie will make anyone with working limbs feel like a piece of shit. Cam will be so inspired (and guilt-ridden) that a full return, with no minute restrictions, will happen by tipoff Christmas night. I don’t feel good about this either, but if this is what it takes to bring back The Russ & Payne Dance Train, so be it.
Russell Westbrook-Marvel Netflix series, Vengeance
We’ve seen the superhero shit he does on the court, but what about off the court? This Christmas, Marvel is releasing its next series “Russell Westbrook is God” …or something like that, the title still needs work. The point is, Russ fighting crime and snarling his catch phrase “why not” just before ripping the villain’s heart out Kali Ma style, is really a gift for us all. Finally, tucked away behind the tree, amidst all the shredded wrapping paper, gifts, and Christmas whores, lies the final present. A wise man named Quentin Tarantino once said that “revenge is never a straight line, it’s a forest”. No matter what interpretation of the word Russ is burning for, it’s apparent to all how badly he craves it. Like Edmond Dantes or The Man with No Name before him, vengeance will be thy Westbrook’s and Santa better get the hell out of his way. (Grits teeth) “Why not?” [Fade to Black].